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How Terror Alerts Almost Ruined My Christmas
by The Red Baron
22 December 2003
We only get to celebrate the birth of baby Jesus, the Jewish, and infinitely more successful Jim Jones, (the parallels are frightening), once a year, and now, four days before Christmas, the Department of Homeland Security has elevated the country from "yellow" to "orange" alert.
This is not good for my holiday plans. I was planning to spend the holidays with only a "significant risk of terrorist attacks," but, apparently, now I have to cope with a "high risk of terrorist attacks."
I know all this because I checked the Department of Homeland Security's website at http://www.dhs.gov. Yes, you too, if you are on the right side of the "digital divide," can log on for the sake of an informed citizenry. On the Department of Homeland Security's homepage, you can read confidence-instilling messages from Tom Ridge, like, "I have said it before -- and I am saying it again -- homeland security begins at home." Wait, Tom. Can you run that by me again? I'm not a big, smart Head of Homeland Security like you. I can see why it would be necessary to say that over and over again. It's just so confusing!
After clicking around the Department of Homeland Security's site on the World Wide Web, you may find yourself wondering what exactly you can do to improve the security of the Homeland. According to Tom Ridge, speaking at a south Florida town hall meeting last week, you should "come to grips with the presence of 8 million to 12 million illegals" currently in the U.S. Fucking A.! I knew our security problem was a result of my own psychological neuroses. Why can't I just come to grips, already?! Those poor Mexicans, all they ever did was hoot and holler at every white girl that ever walked down a street, even the fat ones. I wish I could apologize to every one of those little brown buggers. Maybe, if I pray to Jesus extra hard, in Spanish, he will help me to come to grips. Of course, just my luck, it has to be Chanukah when the Director of Homeland Security drops this bomb on me, (my shrink is vacationing in New York). If I just stay strong, then my life won't turn into the movie "What About Bob?" starring Bill Murray and Richard Dreyfus.
Luckily, in the same speech, Ridge comes up with a second way to beef up homeland security. After we come to grips with the illegal invaders, we should make them citizens! Wait, I think that's what he said. Here's the quote:
"I'm not saying make them citizens, because they violated the law to get here. So you don't reward this type of conduct by turning over a citizenship certificate. You determine how you can legalize their presence, then ... you make a decision that, from this day forward, this is the process of entry, and if you violate that process of entry we have the resources to cope with it."
Oooohhhh.... I get it, legalize their presence, but not make them citizens. Is that like fucking without having sex?
I just have one more question. Osama Bin Laden just "released" another tape for the "two minutes hate" one day before the terror status was raised. If the Islamic world doesn't hate us because we wage war on behalf of Israel and have a Zionist Occupation Government, then why do they hate us?
"They hate our freedom." -- George Bush Joint Session of Congress Speech,
September 20th, 2001
That's got to be it. I mean, it's almost self-evident. Now my mind can rest. I love our country. If it were legal to do so, and didn't offend anybody, and I had a speaker of American Sign Language at my side for the sake of the hearing impaired, I would pledge allegiance to the flag. That's how patriotic I feel. Christmas is saved! I knew there was a God!
Now, I must go exercise my freedom by buying a "Bratz" doll for my niece. They're sluttily cute! Just let a terrorist try and tell me that my niece doesn't have the freedom to be a slut!
THE RED BARON
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