Vanguard News Network

by Arch Stanton.

While the thought might be disgusting to some, jewish survivors think it’s perfectly reasonable to exhume the decaying corpses of dead Nazis who may have participated in the alleged Holocaust. During an interview, Rabbi Averham Ben-Shlomo, a survivor of the infamous Berlin death camp, stated, “We have pledged to never forget, but how can we expect to keep that pledge unless we are actively pursuing Nazis? Steven Spielberg movies are great, but they lack the flavor of the real sporting event we know as Nazi Hunting; but we must face facts, real Nazis have become as endangered as the mountain gorilla. We tried using neo-Nazis, but it didn’t work because we could not effectively link them to the death camps. Certain authorities became suspicious when we presented incontrovertible evidence of camp guards born in the 1960s. Besides, skinheads sporting leather jackets, swastika tattoos and chains lack that certain soulless, unquestioning, order-taking evil presented by real, clean-cut SS troops. There is something about that natty Nazi uniform, and also the fact that a genuine SS man would as soon put a bullet though a jew’s skull as they would quaff a pilsner, that makes them a more believable terror. The fact is many jews are secret admirers of the Nazis. Just look at all the similarities between Israeli Zionists and Nazis – can one possibly doubt our admiration for those nifty goose-steppers? There are two dress-up games that jews absolutely love; one is to dress up in drag and the other is to dress up in snazzy Nazi uniforms. If you don’t believe it just go to the movies sometime.”

Unfortunately before the rabbi could finish the interview, he was called away to a very important meeting.

Bibi Neuman, head of “Holocaust Today,” a group that reinvents Holocaust history for profit, said during an interview, “Dragging 90-year-old camp guardeners from nursing homes offers nothing but bad press for our joyous Holocaust celebrations. For that reason we have to find some new meat for our grist mill. Of course this will actually be old meat, but we feel it’s the thought that counts. For that reason we are planning to exhume and kidnap the corpse of every Nazi who ever even thought about entering the gates of a concentration camp. From cooks to commandants, we’re going to put them all on trial!” Bernie Ben-Goldstein, president of the “American Holocaust Survivors Born After 1945” said, “This will make Nazi-hunting so much easier, because we know exactly where to find these Nazis and they certainly cannot escape us now. Simon Wiesenthal never had it so good!”

In a strange partnership reminiscent of the Zionist-Nazi alliance that helped expatriate jews out of Germany prior to WWII, “German Friends of the Holocaust” has pledged its assistance in helping jews track down dead Nazis accused of mass murder. Gerhard Schrumpff, head of the organization, was quoted as saying, “Live Nazis are becoming quite scarce these days and for this reason the guilt of our sins in this matter might well remain unatoned. In yet another of the endless attempts to assuage our horrible guilt over the unforgivable crimes committed by the German people, we have vowed once again to help the jews purge our national consciousness of these terrible atrocities. For that reason we have decided to help the jews go after all those dead Nazis who might have been part of the concentration camp system. We are calling on the German government to help everyone involved by smoothing the customs processing for the kidnapped corpses leaving Germany.”

After exhumation, the kidnapped corpses will be clandestinely spirited back to Israel with minimal coverage provided by the jewsmedia. Once processed through Israeli customs, the dead Nazis will be put on public display in hermetically-sealed, glass booths where they will face trial. Israeli prosecutor Ashley Feinstein was quoted as saying, “This is a watershed event. Finally the truth about the Holocaust will be known; after all, why would dead Nazis lie? What would they have to lose by telling the truth? These dead Nazis cannot lie!” Although trial proceedings will be conducted in Yiddish, an interpreter will provide the translated answers from the accused. Defense attorneys for the accused Nazis will be provided by the exhumed corpses of the original defense attorneys present at the Nuremberg trials. The corpses of these defense attorneys, propped up in a corner of the courtroom, are expected to be at least as effective at the new trials as they were at Nuremberg.

However, before trial proceedings begin, torture will be used to extract volumes of new confessions from the Nazi corpses about many heretofore unknown events. Millions of survivors of the death camps are confident that the mass killings by Nazi steamrollers will come to light. The Steamrolling Solution, or Jüdeneinstampfend (literally “jew stamping”), was a liquidation technique where Nazis used steamrollers called “Judenjuggernauts” to turn millions of jews into smooth, “sheeny” sections of the autobahn. First proposed in 1939 at the virtually unknown Schillerplatz conference, this form of mass liquidation was so horrible and so secret that no one involved actually knew anything about it, which is why it has never been heard of. Videotaped minutes of the 1939 meeting provide evidence that high-ranking Nazi officials attending the conference had no idea they were actually discussing such a proposal; they thought they were discussing weight-reduction techniques for a health spa for Jews in Poland.

Rabbi Ben-Shlomo expects his dream of exposing the existence of the infamous Berlin death camp will finally come to pass as various Nazi corpses are cross-examined. The Berlin death camp is rumored to have been located in downtown Berlin until late 1945. Jews now claim this is where 5,950,000 of the six million jews were exterminated using the most heinous methods possible. It was in the Berlin camp where the bones from jewish victims were extracted to make suspension components and knobs for Volkswagens while their hair was used for upholstery stuffing. Over the years jews have held solemn and creepy funereal ceremonies involving doorknobs and car seats taken from Volkswagens. Even today it is rumored that jewish finger bones are occasionally found serving as door lock posts in wartime-era Volkswagens.

But Berlin camp survivor “Pinky” Goldberg sees it differently, saying, “Yeah sure, just like Volkswagen didn’t use jews as slave labor. Hey, I was there, I worked in the Nazi’s manufacturing plant where my own uncle Saul’s and aunt Esther’s craniums were made into car horn buttons. This I saw with mine own eyes! Or maybe I just dreamed it. Whatever…” Camp victims also claim portions of murdered jews from the Jüdeneinstampfend program were lifted off the Autobahn roadway and labeled “AJS” (Aufgebuegelt Jüdisches Schinken), “pressed jewish ham.” The ersatz ham was then sold to unsuspecting jewish inmates at the death camp’s deli. When questioned about this, one survivor said, “You must understand when you’re starving, ham doesn’t sound so bad.” Commenting once again, Rabbi Ben-Shlomo said, “We have long known exactly where these Nazis have been hiding underground. The world can rest assured we are going to root them out – every single last one of them! We will not rest in peace until the truth about the Holocaust as we manufacture it is finally brought to light once and for all. The Israeli government is expected to provide special Palestinian-home-wrecking bulldozers for the exhumations; among those bulldozers will be the Rachel Corrie Memorial Bulldozer taken from the “Help C-C-Crush Anti-Semitism” display in downtown Tel Aviv.

Court Reopens Way for Deporting Demjanjuk