Hey Auntie,
I'm wondering if you could help me puzzle out a hook-up experience I had recently. As a bit of context, I'm 21 years old, a senior in college and, until last weekend at least, I was a virgin. For the past year or so this hasn't really been by choice. I was ready, but I wanted to find someone that I knew, trusted, and was comfortable before I did the deed, and I hadn't run across that quite yet.
Fast forward to a few days ago. Late at night I got a text from an attractive guy who's sort of an acquaintance of an acquaintance asking if I wanted to come over and hook up. This isn't the kind of thing that happens to me very often (read: literally ever) and I told him okay, but clarified that I wasn't interested in HNDing. Originally he said this was fine, but once I got over to his place things escalated pretty quickly and he started trying to go for it. I reminded him that I didn't want to, and he backed off at first, but over the course of the hook up he tried a couple more times and once he got far enough that I would consider my V-card officially swiped. Since I left, I've been trying to figure out exactly how I feel about the experience. For 90% of the time we were together I would say that this guy was attentive, understanding, and good about...erm...keeping things equal. But I keep going back to that other 10%. I didn't go into the hook up intending to have sex, and at no point did I indicate that I had changed my mind about that, but it still happened. That means, pretty much by definition, that it wasn't consensual even though the vast majority of what we did was, right? At the same time, though, I don't feel as though I've been violated or assaulted. Mostly I just feel like I wasn't listened to about this particular thing that maybe wouldn't have been as big of a deal if I wasn't a virgin.
Basically I'm just really confused. I know that what happened to me wasn't right, but was it assault? Is there any gray area here? Am I just defending the actions of a scumbag?
Well, maybe?
I mean, it's certainly conceivable that this guy is a world-class a-hole. You experienced his behavior as a flagrant disregard for your clearly-stated limits—and that's totally understandable, because from your perspective, that's exactly how it felt. But to be fair, what makes him a scumbag (or not) is really a question of his perspective: Did he know exactly where your boundaries were and make an intentional decision to ignore them?
I don't know the answer to that question—and neither do you, it seems, since you haven't asked him about it. This could be a case of malicious scumbaggery, but it could also be a misunderstanding. Even the most decent, generous, respectful people are capable of miscommunicating about sex, particularly if they don't know each other very well—and even more particularly if they're coming at the situation with vastly different sexual vocabularies, where a seemingly straightforward statement like "I don't want to go all the wa
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