I have a very important message for you all..

I... I... I admit it! I am Jewish! Yes, that's right. I truely believed otherwise for so long, but it's time to stop the lies! I've finally accepted, due to the observations of others, that I am indeed Jewish! Yes, Mazal Tov... and whatever else I'm supposed to say.

It's time for me to tell you the truth! That's right... THE TRUTH!!!!!

There is a conspiracy against you all, but it is not what you think it is!

It all began about two millenia ago...

It all started about the time Jesus visited this planet in his spaceship, the 'SAVIOR1'. He brought with him, the collective works of L. Ron Hubbard and the Jive Aces, with the hope that he could convert the people of Earth to the beliefs of his species, the messiah people of 'Galak 12'! Unfortunantly, the people he encountered were not of Earth, for they were of the world 'Zion 3', a people who opposed Jesus' followers!

After a fierce battle involving ray guns and 10 foot long rocket launching crosses, the Zions beat back Jesus and his fellow messiah Galakians who retreated back to their homeworld.

Afterwards, the Zions made a pact, to take over this world through the means of a ridiculously convoluted conspiracy of massive proportions to ensure that the evil Galakians never achieve a presence on this beutiful planet. The result was a large documentation of the plan, disguised as a holy set of scrolls. Known as 'the Torah', these scrolls would shape conspiracy which would lead to the formation of over 5 million secret societies, such as the Freemasons, the illuminati, Infinium Labs, and the fanbase of Derek Smart! Although they were supposed to be involved in schemes of world domination, for some reason the main goal was slowly transformed from 'How to conquer the world' to 'How ta git owa hands on dem white womens... and conquer the world' and finally to 'How ta keep dem whitys down'. There is speculation, even today, as to how the change occured, though secret meetings typically ended with members getting drunk.

The face of your secret enemy!!

Unfortuantly for the Zions, who were later renamed to Jewish, Jesus soon released to the public 'The Torah, version 2.0, the Bible edition! So easy to mistranslate, no wonder it's number one'! The Galakians and Zions were now 'neck and neck' for the title of 'World conquering super dudes'.

The fued would continue through the years up to modern times, taking form in many important events of history, such as on september 11th 2002, when Amelia Earhart crashed the Hindenburg into the World trade centre. This obviously did nothing to assist either the Galakians or Zions in their goals, they simply thought it was funny as hell. The Zions soon openly attacked the Galakians, using their agent, George Lucas, to launch a strike on Alabama, the home of the Galakian colony, using his massive clone armies along with a flurry of gun control laws. The Galakians retaliated with their own army, taking form in angry mobs of idiots known as 'Juggalos' along with the horrible music of 'The insane Clown posse' which subsequently would cause the heads of Zions to implode once it was heard.

The battle for 'Middle Earth' also known as 'Utah'.

Even today we're still coming up with wacky schemes!

I've copied here the same timetable we're all given for secret Illuminati meetings.

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12:00pm: Members arrive secretly through the tunnel leading from the false front used to disquise our secret meeting building, called 'Pizza Hut'. But it's secret so you can't tell anyone! EVER! You tell anyone, so help me, I'll throw you into the same cell as Martha Stewart for the next ten years!

12:30pm: Orientation; group members are reacquainted with eachother and with the Grand master.

1:00pm: Group discussion on the topic of 'How to keep whitey down.'

1:30pm: Plans are outlined for the week on super secret world domination activities and how to keep those damn whites down.

2:30pm: One hour presentaion of '10 easy steps to wealth' and 'New and innovative ways to oppress whites'.

3:30pm: Arts and crafts.

4:00pm: Nap time.

4:30pm: Hour and a half consisting of presentaions on 'Cooking; my anti-drug', 'How to keep whites off your lawn', and 'How to keep demons out of your undergarments'.

6:00pm: Snack time, all members must bring their own snacks!

6:30pm: Book sale; titles include 'The Hardy boys collection', 'Curious George and Political Insurgency', and 'World domination and Oppression of whites for dummies'.

7:00pm: Happy hour.

8:00pm: Members say farewell as they leave through the secret tunnel.

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I'd write more, but my fellow conspirators have just discovered my subversive activities! They're on their way to my residence now to kick me in the crotch and lock me in the closet! Oh no! I've really done it now! I'll just...

OH NO! MY BACKSPACE BUTTON'S BROKEN! WHAT WILL I DO NOW!!

THEY'LL SEE WHAT I'VE TYPED!

OH! Hello Jake, I... what am I typing? It's nothing! LOOK AWAY! NO! LOOK WHAT YOU'VE MADE ME TYPE! I'M NOT FINISHED! STOP HITTING ME!! OW! If you don't stop I'll tell on you! Let go of the keyboard!
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hbglkdfjbdhb/lrhio ;gero/hg/aebgv rh gioer;ghuirogy'/ergio]qg]opqu2309y7u 4893;qby90[ya/fd hili/aj0[h89q5 ybht.kj
HELEELEPE MEEhjklaEEEMEEEEEE!J!KLH!!!!hSLADGH 'owierghi

PLEASE DISACKNOWLEDGE ANY STATEMENTS MADE BY THE MENTAL PATIENT WHO WROTE THIS ARTICLE. HE IS CURRENTLY BEING SENT TO OUR REEDUCA... 'HAPPY' CENTRE FOR FURTHER TREATMENT. PLEASE DISMISS ANY SUBVERSIVE STATEMENTS WHICH MAY HAVE BEEN MADE, AS WE CANNOT ERASE THEM DUE TO DAMAGE TO THE BACKSPACE AND CAPSLOCK KEYS. THANK YOU AND

oh wait, I think I fixed it, I... what? He hasn't submitted it yet? Oh! So, to stop them from seeing it all I have to do is not push this button here