1 April, 2007

Justice Department Demands Queen Latifah Written Into Every Movie

Posted by alex in satire at 2:24 pm | Permanent Link

Washington, D.C. — The Civil Rights division of the Department of Justice, under pressure to enforce the Equality in Entertainment Act recently passed by Congress, has demanded that all major movie studios ensure that sassy, no-nonsense black actress Queen Latifah has a role in all movies.

The request is viewed by some as a mere formality, as Queen Latifah has been appearing in 70 to 80 percent of all movies presently made.

But the Rev. Al Sharpton hailed the move, saying it would help to stamp out the racism that plagues Hollywood. “What we have in Hollywood is too many movies with too many crackas. Queen Latifah is going to help bring balance to that.” Said Jesse Jackson, “No justice in the movies, no peace in the streets.”

Latifah herself echoed the remarks, saying “Step back, y’all! The Queen is in town! I’m too big, too black, and too much woman for racist white America! Yo!”

Some critics, who declined to be identified by name for fear of being prosecuted under a provision of the Act making it a felony to criticize or question it, wondered if the “Latifah Rule” weren’t an impingement on artistic freedom.

An earlier version of the law, which required Queen Latifah written to all movies ever made, not just future movies, was rejected. But reflecting on it, one critic asked, “Do we really need to have Queen Latifah digitally inserted into ‘Citizen Kane’? I mean, where is she going to fit in, exactly?” Proponents of this version of the law wanted Elizabeth Taylor digitally erased as Cleopatra and replaced with Latifah, put into the bicycle basket alongside E.T., and inserted as a blacker, sassier, female Dirty Harry, who would ask, “Yo, you think you lucky, punk-ass?”

As it stands, Latifah will be featured only in all future movies, and writers and producers are busy working on plans to ensure that every script written has a spot for her. An upcoming Civil War epic will feature Latifah as a Union general named Kadisha Buttonstreet, who taunts Confederate troops with a shake of her head and the call, “South Carolina can kiss my big black ass!” Another war movie, about Napoleon’s campaigns, will star Latifah as Napoleon himself, with the explanation that racist European historians have untruthfully described him as a short white man instead of a take-charge black woman.

The Department of Justice has commissioned a team of civil rights attorneys to assist scriptwriters who need guidance, according to Andrew Goldstein, the chief attorney for the civil rights division, and a former Hollywood agent. “We want to avoid the stock role of Latifah as the sassy, no-nonsense college friend or neighbor of the white leading actress, or the sassy, no-nonsense secretary for the white businessman in the leading role. But if that’s all that fits, and the movie otherwise promotes a positive and multicultural message, that’ll be OK. What we want to focus on is roles putting the Queen where she belongs — large and in charge.”

Some movies will simply star Latifah, as herself, in the lead role. A provision of the law requires at least one movie per year following this formula. In “Behold Queen Latifah,” she will star as a poor woman from Brooklyn who rises to become a star analyst for Bear Stearns who bests the starchy white men at the company with her street-smart savvy. The final scene is a rousing party at the outfit’s Manhattan headquarters, where older white men in suits put bandanas on their heads and boogie to “Everybody Dance Now.” In “Back Off! The Queen’s Coming Through”, she will star as an Army private who rises to become a general with her savvy street smarts, and helps to save America from a terrorist threat by out-rapping Muslim terrorists.

Director Steven Spielberg promised full cooperation with the law, although he said it would be a challenge to include her in his latest Holocaust movie. “We must have a tolerant society, and if that means a sassy, no-nonsense black woman as chief liberator of Auschwitz, then that’s what we’re going to have.”

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  3. 20 Responses to “Justice Department Demands Queen Latifah Written Into Every Movie”

    1. Smith Says:

      I was hoping it would have been Ray Charles…..
      Ooops, he died……….

    2. honkey tonk man Says:

      What about TV????
      Queen Latifah should also star in every TV show in every white county. Just putting her in movies is outright cracker-boy racism!
      Once again we see a sassy, street smart , no-nonsense black women getting only a tiny peace of the action! Greedy honkey-boy crackers are trying to keep down this sassy,street smart ,no-nonsense black women.
      …..What about radio and every music video ever produced? Every magazine, every billboard? Every form of media should feature this street smart,sassy no-nonsense black women. Not doing so stinks of racism.
      ……Four hundred years of slavery and this is all this street smart,sassy, no-nonsense black women gets?

    3. a bedoya Says:

      “no-nonsense black actress Queen Latifah has a role in all movies.”

      Retroactively inserted into the OLD movies. . .chutzpah raised to an “art” form

    4. Pil Koler Says:

      I don’t know about you, but my family loves to watch “Queen Latifa’s Grisly Confrontation with a Grizzly Bear.”

    5. Celtic Warrior Says:

      Even the kikes cannot be serious about that proposal!?

    6. Amos Jones Says:

      There is already an implied law that EVERY judge on tv, in movies, etc be a black woman.

    7. dick Says:

      This is great! Just make sure there is a cell phone taped to each ear and she(?) speaks as loud as possible so everyone can hear her.

      It is too bad they can’t inject smells into the movie so everyone can get a whiff of nigger smell too.

    8. sgruber Says:

      On TV, everyone in a role of authority is to be depicted by a mud: the judge – the police commissioner – the FBI supervisor – the President of the United States – the savvy unconventional, cocky businessman (aka “nigger with a clipboard”) – the brilliant scientist cracking computer code – etc.

      They are depicted this way BECAUSE it’s false.

      TV jews want to snow you and discourage you, by creating a phony world and passing it off as true. In their phony world, affirmative action works. But in the real world all these mud “leaders” on TV are “diversity hires.” Corporate coons don’t last long. They get washed out for theft.

      That blinging 20-year-old buck driving a brand-new Lexus SUV? What you don’t see on TV is the repo man collecting it a few weeks later. Or cops confiscating it for drugs.

      Who wants so to snow and discourage us with a bizarro world, not only on TV, but in the Soviet-style tyranny of diversity hiring and multicult pretending? Who owns the media?

      I think we know the answer to that one.

      jews own the media. jews are our enemy. jews portray on TV and work for in real life the viciousness of a bunch of coloreds in charge of our society.

    9. Steve Says:

      I’m looking forward to The Passion 2 where she plays Mary, mother of the risen savior, back from the dead and ready to help Jesus (played by Ice Cube) kick some ass. “Jesus is the king, fo sho, but his royal blood didn’t come from my baby daddy”. Hers will be the only lines not spoken in Aramaic, to help her stand out just *that* much more.

      Next up is Kahn’s Conquest where the Queen stars as Genghis Khan, where she proclaims golden globe award winning lines such as “didn’t yall know Genghis had some junk in da trunk?”

      Then it’s a documentary on Joseph Merrick, the elephant man. The movie, titled “The African Elephant-Man”, and set to come out at the beginning of February – Black History Month – portrays Latifah as Joseph in a unique look of full African regalia; bone through nose, plate in lip, and with an ass so Steatopygia’d, it resembles a full-size African Elephant, complete with tusks! Critics rave, “Latifah truly is Queen of the Jungle”.

    10. Veritas Says:

      Word, niggers.

      I always find it hilarious when niggers are dubiously inserted into historical events portrayed on film. There is such a scene in “The Patriot” with Mel Gibson: In the climactic battle scene, at least 10 of the advancing British red-coats are NIGGERS. Yep, check it out for yourselves. Several of the Colonial troops are portrayed as niggers as well. “Flyboys” is another one…A World War I nigger flying ace? lol.

      You do know the look-out on the Titanic was a nigger, right? “Aw laws ah mussy! They be a powerful’ big chuck o’ ice up front ah da boat, massa!”

    11. lawrence dennis Says:

      Some of my work involves handling recently made films, and I can verify FOR CERTAIN that the number of niggers in Hymiewood movies is at an ALL TIME HIGH. Even the animated films feature a high percentage of voices done by niggers. All of this contributes to the ruination of any suspension of belief necessary to enjoy good fiction, as whites in modern films must report to the “NIGGER IN CHARGE” in film after film after film.

    12. Anti Says:

      Somewhere in the Sacred Laws of the Aryas is line that goes like, “The people who allow Åžudra sit over them in judgement is doomed.” — Åžudra being darkies.

    13. Beast Says:

      Hollywood and TV in general (particularly advertising) are nothing more than reality-inverting social mechanisms. Their purpose is to turn society upside down so that the lowest elements – jews and their misfit “minority” hordes – appear to be on top. It’s all smoke and mirrors. TV and movies are anti-reality. In other words: jewish.

      Kill your TV. Don’t feed the box office. All you need for infotainment now is the internet.

    14. cliff Says:

      The Queen might be able to find a gigantic jar of Michael Jackson’s facial whitening cream; then she can qualify to join the other 98.9 % of Screen Actors Guild unemployed.

      Since there is no racial box to tick for being a jew, we may be heading for a day when all white actors, (including the evil Nazi types) will all be jewish.

      Employment ops have never looked better for Al Jolson-white or black.

    15. Rob Says:

      Wait a minute… the jews own and run Hollywood. But if people think that Whites own and run Hollywood the jews are content to remain unidentified!!

      Whites don’t own Hollywood! And jews aren’t White! Get that!

    16. poloxamer Says:

      Yes,Queen Latifah is a National Treasure. Who dosen’t know that? But she isn’t only a sassy, street-smart Black woman. She is also a strong,proud African-American Princess,(and Queen,too, of course). Why shouldn’t she be in every movie made? It’s a WELL known FACT that her great-grandfather, Crown Prince Latifah invented the camera. And popcorn.

      Too much Latifah is like too much cow bell. It just isn’t possible.

      And how come Morgan Freeman always plays God? Queen Latifah should play God ,too. She’s already a Queen, god-dammit. They could play Mr. and Mrs. God in every movie from now on. Oh thank you, real Black God, for blessing us with the monumentally transcendent talent known to us as Queen Latifah.

    17. jigaboos h. jigabooze Says:

      “And how come Morgan Freeman always plays God?”

      Isn’t Freman a jewish name?

    18. Steiner Says:

      This Act was preceded by the “ALL NIGGERS ADVERTISING ACT”

    19. brutus Says:

      “The Civil Rights division of the Department of Justice, under pressure to enforce the Equality in Entertainment Act recently passed by Congress, has demanded that all major movie studios ensure that sassy, no-nonsense black actress Queen Latifah has a role in all movies.”

      That’s funny, because I thought that she was already featured in all Hollywood movies as well as in the movies made for TV and also in every single TV commercial, on all internet banner ads, on all road side billboards, on all Sunday newspaper flyers, on all those large posters in all of the retail stores and finally even in those stuffer ads in my phone, electric and cable bills. There’s not a single moment of my life that goes by without seeing Queen Latifah! But, you know how is goes, all of those niggers look alike to me.

    20. van helsing Says:

      A lot of names starting with a word or trade then ending in man or mann are jewish, at least at some point.

      Sweetman (sweets seller?)? jewish. I dont care if he says he is a baptist or presbo.

      Fleischmann (butcher?)? jewish. Often. They often sold cheap shit out of shops.

      Weiner… oh that one was too easy…

      It is interesting to surf the jewpedia, i mean, wikipedia. See how many celebrities have NO revealing information about their past or upbringing there…

      Looked up Charlie Chaplin there yesterday on a hunch. Always heard he was jewish. Kaplan, anyone?

      Language is a useful and wonderful thing. Follow the phonetics. Learn what words mean or meant.

      If I am in a business or business-casual setting and am not sure of just what everyone is, and the oppo comes to order a lunch or dinner off a menu, I usually order a BLT, pulled pork samich, ham’n’cheese or somesuch. As a matter of principle.